i miss you

So its been a tough couple of months. I lost the one person in my family that i love. my Grandmother. its probably the hardest thing that had happen in my life. its probably been like a month now and i cant come to realize that she is really gone. She was the one who raised my sister and i when my dad wasnt around. She taught my mother how to cook. And even though my mom and dad divorced she still loved my mom with all her heart. the little things always remind me of her. and everyday i cry myself to sleep because i just cant come to realize that she is gone. it also breaks my heart that my grandfather is at the nursing home all by himself. i want to be there for him, but i dont think im ready to see him yet. i dont know what i am going to do if i lose him to. hes so much like me its not even funny. i guess i just needed to express how i feel because even if i talk to my friends there just going to tell me the same old thing. i also just lost my dog Bria. i feel like life is smacking me in the face right now. and if someone else passes away in my life anytime soon i dont think i can handle it. =/

Life as we know it...

Havent been on here in a while, but basically i've been really busy since the last blog I posted. Im still in school and I have a stable job at Blockbuster. lol. Im still with my boyfriend and I decided to talk to one of my old friends. I guess I was just being immature and stupid at the time. Not sure, but life is all about the struggle right? Still struggling but I'm climbing up the ladder to success. I just hate the feeling that I feel like im wasting my time with someone. Like I care about this person so much that I would take a bullet for them, but when are they going to step up and do there part? Im being the bitch doing all the work and they want want want and want more from me. I know this person has done alot for me, but im trying to focus on me because until the day I die its only going to be me. I want this person to stop being lazy and grow some balls because if things dont change then I'm done with them. I am so glad this person will never see what im writing, but thats why I kept xanga because its like my private journal. lol. I have so many dreams and I feel like they wont happen unless I do something about it. I WANT to start being a Photographer right now. I WANT my camera, but bills, food, and other things are like stopping me. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. It doesnt make me feel any better that I have had this job for 3 fucking months and I still dont have the money for the camera. It pisses me off that I cant say no because who knows what will happen. Ughhhhhhhh I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! Ok so im going to go listen to the Jonas Brothers because thats the only thing that keeps me sane. <3

Life As I See It...

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A Thing Called Life...

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Sometimes I Just Dont Understand????! =/

Well lets see. I think my life is good right now. Volleyball is starting, i have a bf, a job, and school is about to start. But the whole bf situation is kinda driving me crazy. Like i Love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. But recently hes being mad stupid like sometimes i get so pissed i just dont even talk. and he gets all like what u pissed now. but i dont say anything cause i really just dont want to fight. but it bugs me when he still talks to some of his ex's. Like if i were to say i still talk to one he would probably go balistic. but its none of his buisness anyway. cause really im not doing anything. and trust is a big thing for me. if i cant trust u then why am i bothering. Anywayz and its funny cause like the other day we decided to go on a break. and that didnt last a day. And he asked me back out. but he was pissing me off that whole day. Like just little things i cant explain on here. But also i dont even see him as much as i use to. and when i do see him i alwayz have to go to him. He only came to see me a couple of times. But i was working and shit. But i just want him to at least say he wants to come. But i do sometimes have the time to go and see him but then when i tell him i want to come hes all like im going to be busy. cause i understand hes like involved in alot of things. but u cant even set aside one day just for the two of us. Like i seriously miss him. and it hurts me inside that i even had the thought of breaking up with him. Just cause he is pissing me off and that i never see him. Like he doesnt even tell me he loves me anymore and he used to say it all the time. Like it alwayz goes through my mind that hes talking to another girl and im just there to say im his gf and when he really likes this girl he will break up with me. or he might cheat. its just that im scared of losing him. and i dont want to. i seriously dont. and i could never have the heart to break up with him. and thats another thing if he was just going to get back with me then why did he break up with me in the first place. these little things alwayz are in the back of my head. ughhh. idk what to do. someone give me advice or something.

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